Chloe 101!!

My 21^st Birthday is this Saturday. Let me tell you that I feel like a toddler because I am just so excited! I know that I am already an over-sharer, and I can only imagine how I am after a bottle – or three – of wine.

For this reason, I feel like I should share stories about me that I may tell during the next years of my life.

So, like, today, we are throwing the theme out of the window and will be spilling the tea on facts about me. This ensures that I won’t embarrass myself too much after a few mimosas – right?

Friends, sit back, sip your coffee, and “come see my world.”

This is Chloe 101!! Are you ready?

*cue the Zoey 101 theme song*

I have always been a little salty because my parents deprived me of being extra chic – they changed my name from Chloé to Chloe when they adopted me.

What were they thinking? That I cannot type the “é?”

True, but still!

Until I was sixteen, I had no idea that you moved your lips when you kissed.

Do you know how I figured it out?

If you guessed when my first kiss started moving his lips, you’re right.

When I found out, the only appropriate response was to shove him off (it wasn’t Dawson), sprint away, cry, and yell back, “sorry!”

Nothing is quite as startling as someone moving their lips against yours when you expected them to just rest still against the others for a few seconds – or maybe minutes? I wasn’t sure; Disney movies clearly didn’t prepare me.

There is nothing I have worked harder at than softball. I firmly believe that I couldn’t have given any more effort than I did; yet, I still sucked.

No, seriously – I’ll admit that my change-up was outstanding, but I hold the record for most home runs hit off a pitcher at Garrett High School (LOL).

Athleticism isn’t something that I have within my being; however, there is one thing that has come naturally easy to me.

It remains the one thing that I will challenge anyone in knowing I can win:

speed jump-roping.

Don’t ask me how the cross country runner trying to escape the gator every meet is the one who is kick-ass at speed jump rope. I genuinely don’t know why it came so easy to me, but my best guess is that I learned due to the hundreds of times I drooled over Corbin Bleu in Jump In.

The best advice that I can give you is to never pick me for any kind of team: drinking, sports, or puzzles. The only time you should want – and fear – me, is when there is some speed roping!

My entire life, I have over-indulged in ice cream.

Vanilla ice cream with chocolate syrup was the perfect way to prep for high school weights. Chocolate-covered ice cream cones were a great snack before softball games. Whenever I wanted to cry watching John Tucker Must Die, ice cream was my favorite company.

No matter what the occasion was, ice cream was my answer.

Then, I became lactose intolerant – that was rough. I should’ve figured it out sooner when ice cream no longer sounded good, and I had to dart out of the movie theater from too much buttered popcorn.

After my stomach banned ice cream from my life, my days became darkened.  Sometimes I chose to still eat the ice cream, and pay about 20 min – 2 hours later.

Eventually, there was light once again – and it wasn’t from the bathroom light.

Ben & Jerry’s saved the day and created “Netflix and Chilled” non-dairy ice cream!

My biggest fear that isn’t life-threatening is stitching.

When I see someone with stitches, I become sick. For whatever reason, it freaks me out.

During Halloween, I cannot stand all the masks with stitches all over them. It reminds me of a bug in your skin.

When I catch a glimpse of stitches that are black and aren’t trimmed, it makes my entire body itch. It literally keeps me up at night because I just get deeply disturbed.

I couldn’t tell you why this is, but it is something I don’t even kid around about.

Let’s hope that I never get stitches!  That would be the quickest way to wreck my life.

In my last blog post, I compared my skin tone to a Cullen vampire.

Do you know what the worst part about having pale skin is? Having dark hair.

In fourth grade, I had teenage Joe Jonas eyebrows that started connecting. I promise it was that bad.

So, I started waxing those monstrous babies. Problem solved!

But! Do you know what goes hand-in-hand with dark eyebrows?

A dark mustache.

After years of waxing, bleaching, and hair-removing cream, I decided to get laser hair removal.

Did it cost $1,000? Absolutely!

Do I never have to worry about the good ole stache coming back? Absolutely not – the removal is lifetime-guaranteed!

There is no more asking people to tell me when you can start seeing my mustache, then getting highly offended when they kindly point it out. It’s always a good day when you aren’t tempted to deck a Barb. (Whose actually just trying to help a girl out, but let’s not give her the benefit of the doubt here!)

One time, I was the 7^th caller at a radio show, and I won a Rachel Zoe purse.

I was stoked and was super excited to give my mom something nice that she deserved.

When they excitedly screamed while asking for my name. My nerves got the best of me, and I couldn’t think, so I hung up.

The handbag that I won is now sitting somewhere in the home of an eighth caller.

I met Abby Lee Miller, and it was a terrifying moment of my life.

My middle school friends and I had just been dropped off at the movie theater when we saw Abby Lee Miller and Brooke Hyland near the register.

Instantly, we broke out into shy fangirls. Of course, we needed a picture for our Instagram’s, but who was going to ask?

As we were grouping around her to take the picture, she began yelling at the boy taking the photo.

“PUT THE BALL DOWN SON!”

He had been fidgeting with a ball that he had won from an arcade game in one hand.

Apparently, that thoroughly upset her.

At that moment, I decided that Abby Lee Miller was 1000x worse than my Grandpa Scott, Gordon Ramsey, Regina George, and Simon Cowell.

Thank goodness she didn’t see all the homeruns hit off me! She would’ve been yelling at the umps to:

“TAKE THE BALL AWAY FROM HER!”

Seriously, who knew that taking a photo could be so terrifying?

Arguably, a twenty-first birthday is the most anticipated, followed by a sixteenth birthday.

Truthfully, I solely looked forward to a Sweet Sixteen party; however, I assume most people look forward to sixteen to legally drive.

When I was sixteen, I was so eager to drive! I had never driven before, which was evident when my Drivers Ed teacher had to beg me to go over 10 mph. That didn’t happen (between you and me), and my first two sessions were spent in a parking lot. He was less than thrilled.

When I had finally mastered driving the speed limit, I was ready to take my driver’s test!

After I parallel parked to perfection, I was sure that I had passed. Guess who would be driving themselves to the prom: me! In just two weeks! Eek!

When I parked, the BMV worker promptly informed me that I failed the test within seconds because I pulled out of the “turn in” lane.

Never in my life have I so aggressively overreacted.

It was like my world shattered as I bawled so hysterically that I had to wait in the car.

Let’s hope my first legal drink goes better than that first almost-legal drive!

For the last secret that I’d typically confess at a sleepover, we will talk about a near-death experience. I frankly cannot think of a better way to celebrate living another year than by discussing my near-ending life.

In sixth or seventh grade, I was lying in my bed. My heart started burning so bad, and I just knew:

I was having a heart attack.

Hysteria rushed over me as I struggled to run downstairs. My mom needed to hurry and help me. What if I was about to die for absolutely no reason at all. I was too young to die – the ending of Pretty Little Liars hadn’t aired yet.

When I was standing before my mom, I struggled to get the words out. I just knew that this news would break her heart. Nevertheless, she needed to know. Maybe there was still time.

“Mom, I’m having a heart attack!” I finally sobbed.

My mom looked at me and said, “Chloe. You ate a ghost pepper, the world’s hottest [at the time] pepper. You are experiencing heartburn.”

My eyes attempted to meet hers through the blur of tears. What is heartburn? Is it worse than a heart attack? Great, I’ll never know who ‘A’ is!

In the end, I ate some ice cream and happily went on my way, knowing I had to be the world’s toughest person.

I beat a ghost pepper and heartburn all in one day? Someone pass me a jump rope, today was clearly my day.

So, like, that’s the tea on my life! Hopefully, nothing else will get spilled this weekend – especially alcohol. That stuff is expensive!

Thanks for tuning into this laidback blog filled with embarrassing stories! 

And to think your days get more embarrassing after you turn twenty-one – I believe that I might be screwed.

Here’s to twenty-one years! Fill your glasses and pray that I can fit into my jeans Monday. The calories in wine are no joke.