I Think I Disappointed God. SLNW?

I thoroughly considered writing this post – I’m not going to lie. Especially when I contemplated posting it this soon. I thought I’d gain a small following based on my quirkiness, creativity, and insane organization skills. Then, I would publish this blog. Because what if it’s too deep, too intense, too controversial? After all, this post is all subjective, all interpretation, and all my core beliefs. Phew, it could make people uneasy or argumentative. But, I decided that these values, these beliefs, these intentions are something I should share. Perhaps, it is what He is calling me to do, or maybe I am feeling vulnerable. Whatever my purpose may be, I believe this should be part of it.

So, like, you feel as if you disappointed God. You know you should be living for Him and His word; yet, you’re living for money, yourself, a higher social class, etc. You have the types of sins instilled in your mind and understand that you should avoid committing them, but you keep falling short.

You’re overly prideful about your appearance, and you post selfies all day every day.

You envy your best friend for having more boutique clothes than you.

You really like lobster, and the image of you that eating it paints, so you eat yourself into gluttony.

You begin obsessing over money and greedily spend, or keep, it all on yourself while the poor suffers.

Thoughts of physical pleasure consume your mind, and you keep lusting for more.

You realize life doesn’t always go your way, and you only choose to feel anger.

You avoid bettering yourself spiritually and physically and are performing the 7th sin: sloth.

There are so many ways to commit The Seven Deadly Sins. Truthfully, we probably perpetrate a few of these sins every day. Woah. We cuss, hold a grudge, gossip, overindulge, and on and on.  Then, when we recognize what we are doing, we feel a strong sense of guilt. Why aren’t we doing better? Why are we acting poorly? Why do we keep repeating the same mistakes? Why do we kinda suck? Why, why, why do we keep disappointing God!

He wants more, He expects more, and He deserves more!

What a guilt complex we must have! To think the God who gave His only Son, the God who loved us first, the God who created the world for us, the all-forgiving God, cares so much about your mistake(s) that He will stop awaiting your presence in Heaven. I hate to break it to you, but that’s not how it works. That’s a ton of weight to carry, and that’s not what He wants for you.

He wants you to forgive yourself, continue trying to be better, find more ways to live for Him, and show the world what’s in your heart. If anyone knows your heart, it’s Him. When you fall victim to these sins, He knows your intentions. Were your motives to hurt Him, to worsen your character, to perform evil? No, they weren’t. These mistakes were probably another Eve + an apple situation, which we now refer to as “being human.” Sure, these acts hurt Him. But also, He knows you for you – not your mistakes.

I always try to let that sink in. I’m not a bad person, my intentions weren’t destructive, and my place in Heaven is still there. God still loves me. Even when I don’t deserve it, even when I hurt Him, even when I disappoint Him.

God knows my heart and understands my intentions.

Now, you’re probably wondering why I keep purposely using the word “intentions.” Or, maybe you know where I’m going with this recurrence. My ultimate religious role model, Sadie Robertson Huff, frequently stresses the importance of being intentional. Which makes me think: if it’s intentional, it’s so much more powerful. We can all choose to reflect on areas of our lives where we fall short in our faith, determine who we’d like to grow into, and take steps toward those intentions. To further focus on the wisdom Sadie holds, let’s remember her famous quote:

“There’s nothing wrong with starting small if you just keep going.”

Before beginning high school, I started praying every night before bed. This routine made me feel so happy and pleased. Now, I sometimes feel like my prayers are disappointing God. But, it’s not Him I’m letting down – it’s me. They don’t always hold depth, thought, or intentions. These exact prayers may have fulfilled me once, but now, I know I need to do more. Not because they are not enough for Him, but because they are not enough for the relationship I’d like to have with Him.

In these prayers, I’ve always thanked Him for my day and prayed for Dawson’s health. Of course, I occasionally add prayer requests, thank Him for more specific life details, or talk to Him – but not as much as I should. Sadly, the nightly prayers sometimes act as a routine or chore, rather than an actual prayer or conversation. So, even though these same prayers were once good enough, they no longer are. Now, I desire to make these prayers more intentional, so my relationship with Him evolves. I may have to start by making small changes, but I will keep working until I feel on fire for Him during my prayers.

This desire to improve my prayers, and my prayer intentions, are what God knows. It’s what He sees in my heart. It’s how He knows me as His child.  Naturally, I disappoint Him. However, it is not this crushing, never-ending, Hell-sending disappointment we anticipate.

God probably knew it was coming, and He has a plan for what’s next. This disappointment happened for a reason, and He will forgive it like nothing happened. The intentions behind the sin weren’t motivated by evil; instead, it was a mistake. Forgive yourself, take note for next time, remember just how much God loves you, and work to be better.

So, like, you may have disappointed God, but it is not the end of the world. Not even close! Instead of dwelling on this mistake that many of us have made, work to be better. Work on your relationship with Him. Work on giving His Kindness and Love to yourself and others. Set faith-based goals, take steps to achieve them and try showing others what’s in your heart.  Like Sadie said, just keep going!

“Above all else, guard your heart. For everything you do flows from it.”

(Proverbs 4:23)